Goodbye, Fuck-Face: A Wannabe Dictator’s Presidential Post-Mortem

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remind ourselves that all failed despots must eventually end their reign. While some may argue that Trump was somehow a patriot; I stand resolute that he is, and always has been, fascist garbage. Let’s take a brief journey to remind ourselves of all the gaslighting he put us through as a nation, and then rejoice at his humiliating loss last week. Join me as I say: Goodbye, Fuck-Face.


June 16, 2015, marked the beginning of our national nightmare. It was on this day Trump simultaneously announced his Presidential campaign, and called Mexicans “rapists.” His racist rhetoric has become more outlandish, offensive and frequent. Extremist white fragility groups have grown 55% in the United States under the leadership of our impeached President. Donnie went as far as instructing specific hate groups to stand-by on national television. “China virus.” “Muslim ban.” “My African-American” Join me as I say: Goodbye, Fuck-Face

Jefferson Davis II during the first debate

Trump’s only plan was to have total authority. His excessively frequent firings and demotions are almost always involving those who will not bend the law to his wishes. Starting before being sworn into office, when Donald demoted (or fired) most of his transition team, including sycophant Chris Christie. Yesterday, he fired Defense Secretary Mark Espers, who famously declined to use US troops on US citizens. Immediately following Esper’s firing-by-tweet, DOJ henchman Bill Barr announced federal probes intended to overturn the election. Fascism much? Join me as I say: Goodbye, Both of you Fuck-Faces.

Wannabe Fascist.

His presidency started off with a bang, and it has continued to disorient and confuse. The 2016 Trump campaign initiative to build a wall along the southern border delivered only 9 miles of new barrier by 2020. The heartfelt promises to bring home troops and restructure the military were completely empty. In fact, it’s entirely conceivable that his most historic military action has been calling fallen soldiers “losers,” and “suckers.” Join me as I say: Goodbye, Fuck-Face.

Donnie rallied his supporters around the removal of the Affordable Care Act, something he’s still currently arguing in court. This ongoing action speaks volumes to his depravity, considering COVID-19 has now resulted in the untimely death of 240,000+ Americans under Trump’s watch. Besides quack pharmaceuticals, his best suggestion has been to inject light and bleach. Trump has confidently rejected science, just as we have confidently rejected him. Join me as I say: Goodbye, Fuck-Face.

Whatever the fuck that means.

As Bunker Boy’s denial of the election results continues to humor the world, it’s important to note that he will continue to occupy the Oval Office until January 20th. Anything can, and probably will, happen: nuclear war, a heart attack, getting caught having sex with Eric; we must brace ourselves for everything. Trump has turned half of the country into cult members, and the entire GOP is complicit. These are people who think Rage Against the Machine speaks for them, and that Joe Biden is a socialist.

In order to have any hope of future progressive policies, we have to now shift focus toward the Georgia run-off elections. Mitch McConnell’s current death-grip on the Senate could be removed by electing both Ossoff and Warnock. Help Stacey Abrams achieve this by donating to The New Georgia project.

There is a long road ahead to fixing the damage Trump has done, but goddamn if it doesn’t feel good to watch his ass get fired and evicted. Even as he attempts to hang on to influence by forming a political action committee, join me as I say for the last time today: Goodbye, Fuck-Face.

Donald Trump probably altered those invoices and stole that $2.3m himself

It’s being reported today that our buddy Donnie’s campaign has been hit with an invoice scam to the tune of $2.3 million. I’d be joining in on the ridicule if I wasn’t so convinced he stole this money himself. According to Wisconsin GOP officials, an account paying for Trump campaign advertising had its invoice data manipulated to funnel cash into hackers bank accounts. Wisconsin is looking bleak for the incumbent, and it’s a state he only won by 23,000 votes in 2016. Doesn’t it honestly sound like the type of financial crime Tinyhands-in-Chief would dream up?

Robyn Beck // AFP / Getty Images

Take a moment and think about it. Hmm…funneling $2.3 million, where have I heard that before? Right, this is not the first time the President has been called out for funneling specifically $2.3 million from his campaign to his private accounts. In fact, $2.3 million has cropped up several times throughout his grift of the executive branch. Why are we supposed to believe this is any different? He always says the same shit, he probably always does the same crimes.

Changing times call for changing tactics. I truly think Donnie is feeling the election pressure mounting against him, and simply swiped this money from the accounts. I mean, he’s definitely going to need that money for the legal council on his 9 impending charges when he leaves office. We already know he has $1 billion of debt, another motivation for siphoning funds. What better way to get your hands on donated campaign money, am I right? Maybe he really is planning to flee? A true patriot move!

Maybe he’s planning a great escape to Russia, or his bff’s palace in North Korea. Ok, hold on. Do you ever wonder why he’s so close with all these “communist” leaders like Kim Jong Un, and Putin; and yet touts communism as our greatest threat? He actively pushes democratic leaders away! Don’t forget what Dr. Seuss taught us about America First.

Dr. Seuss

But anyway. How exactly a phishing scam was able to change the payment addresses on outgoing invoices is unclear. The GOP are most likely investigating themselves here, so we’re unlikely to ever know the real story here. They’re never going to prosecute anyone for this. They don’t want to. Trump is being crushed in the polls; and he is either being robbed, or he is being corrupt. Both suggest we have a broken man heading into November 3rd.

On the off chance this was a true hacking, a tip of the hat to the culprits. Vote the crook out November 3rd.


What the fuck is wrong with Mitch McConnell?

No, I’m not talking about his hideous necrosis. I already went over that a few days ago, and my research determined he’s a ghoul. I’m talking about how he’s a bad person. Like, truly. He’s an evil person, and I do not wish him well.

Normally I wouldn’t just list reasons Moscow Mitch has failed the American people, but in these past few weeks he’s really pulled some shit. Confirming People of Praise cult member Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court after months of stalling on a covid relief package was the ultimate evil villain move. Remember when ‘Mitch the Lich’ wouldn’t even allow Merrill Garland to have a hearing because “not in an election year?” I do.

McConnell in his own words // Fox News

Moscow Mitch doesn’t care about Kentuckians, either. He mostly acts at the behest of giant corporations, while simultaneously dismissing the well-being of his constituents. His home state of state is one of the most reliant on federal funds, yet he acts religiously to end social programs. If you think I’m just being dramatic, I’m definitely not alone. He literally scores 14% on the UFCW scale for labor issues.

Chip Somodevilla // Getty

Basically all this guy has done during the pandemic is facilitate the rise of fascism, and walk around looking like a rotting corpse. It makes you wonder if there are multiple reason his nickname is the Grim Reaper and his desk is the Graveyard.

On November 3rd, do us a favor Kentucky: hurdle the turtle and vote for Amy McGrath.


What happened to Trump’s “$200 Grift Cards for Grandma” vote buying scheme?

For literally five years we have been listening to Donnie go on about his imaginary healthcare plan. We’ve heard all his theories about the evils of Obamacare, including lie after lie about socialized healthcare in General. Don’t worry folks, the only pre-existing condition we collectively have is less than “two weeks away” from a solution: voting Trump out of office.

Healthcare is always two weeks away // Washington Post

In late September, the failure-in-chief made a desperate move to consolidate geriatric voters by offering $200 giftcards for pharmaceuticals. To accomplish this, Trump announced plans to grift $6.6 billion from the same Medicare trust fund he’s been trying to destroy, and use it to literally buy votes. A move considered illegal by…well, by everyone.

Kayleigh makes empty promises // Sept 24 // Twitter

The fact of the matter is that $200 can’t buy very much in our broken healthcare system, especially for the geriatric crowd. You cant even buy one months supply of insulin, which runs upwards of $375. Is this Trumpcare? I think Rep Suozzi (D-NY) speaks for everyone when he says: No, thanks.

Forbes // Twitter

While Mark Meadows is still leaning hard into the empty promise of grift cards for the elderly, he’s made the concession it will have to wait until after the election. Meadows, Trump’s fourth Chief of Staff, is most likely just feeding the ailing geriatric crowd more empty promises at Trump’s behest. If he didn’t, we can assume, he would be fired.

Lmaoooooo // 60 Minutes // Twitter

Trump has been crystal clear about one thing: he doesn’t give a fuck about healthcare. Remember when he made big claims about reducing drug prices in July, only to have the pharma lobby completely expose his nonsense? What about in last night’s 60 Minutes when Kayleigh McEnany showed Leslie Stahl a giant book of nothing? Unless it’s going to benefit him directly, OR hurt the “radical left”, he’s not going to help the American public on our quest for quality affordable healthcare.

When he loses the election, don’t expect a vindictive Trump to hand out $6.6 billion dollars unless he’s able to take a cut.

I’m convinced Trump quit the 60 Minutes interview because he filled his diaper, prove me wrong

Watching this “leaked” 60 Minutes footage had me asking myself which reality I was actually experiencing. Was I in a coma? Was that black currant liquor my wife fed me last night poison, and I was actually dead?

Well, surprise! It’s now been confirmed that I’m still here in this nightmare reality we are all unfortunate enough to live in! The one where the top White House advisors are Trump’s sycophantic daughter Ivanka and her slumlord husband Jared Kushner.

Erik Pendzich // REX/Shutterstock

In the video released by the White House, our tiny-handed commander-in-chief is shown answering a total of zero question from Lesley Stahl. After just 37 minutes, he abruptly ends the interview and excuses himself from the room. Maybe it was the tough questions. Or maybe it was the microwaved Big Mac with KFC gravy he probably ate for breakfast. Both scenarios, I argue, would likely result in a diaper filled by the 45th President.

Entire interview leaked by the White House // 60 Minutes

The whole interview is excruciatingly painful to watch. He claims that before the pandemic there was bipartisan unity. He makes a few unclear claims about Joe Biden and “radical left“ socialized medicine. He claims he has a healthcare plan. Then claims he will have a healthcare plan. Wait, actually, no; he says Obamacare is actually not Obamacare because he cut out the individual mandate, and that’s the new plan? Or wait. I truly have no idea what the final conclusion was healthcare. Everything Don The Con said was mind numbing.

Trump outing himself on Twitter

Trump laments endlessly about his unfair treatment. For a solid 6 minutes he cries about the media not reporting the unverified Hunter Biden laptop story. He goes on to deny calling for his political opponents to be imprisoned. “I never said lock up the Governor of Michigan,” Donald claims at one point. He did, in fact, call for “all of them” to be locked up just days before this interview was filmed.

A scared Trump spouts ”lock them all up” – 10/16/2020

The end of the footage contains several minutes of Trump mocking Stahl for initiating the interview by asking “are you ready for some tough questions?” It’s after this meltdown where I think the wet diaper’s contents were starting to cause a rash. The whole interview was a masterclass in gaslighting, and stench concealing.

Here’s a recap from Trump’s angle: I didn’t say that, everyone is a little responsible, I was kidding, worst political crime in history, you’re a disgrace, I have a plan, I’ll show you later, he’s going to destroy suburbia, this is why everyone thinks you’re fake news, diaper filling, I think we’re done here.

Let’s hope 60 Minutes puts live fact-checks in the official interview coming out tonight. Does anyone really want 4 more years of this? Vote the moron out November 3rd.


Lindsey Graham is pathologically hypocritical and deserves a spanking

“[Joe Biden] is the nicest person I think I’ve ever met in politics, he’s as good a man god has ever created” Graham said in a 2015 interview with Huffpost. The South Carolina Senator was almost brought to tears while praising the former Vice President, showing a human emotion nearly impossible for most reptilian-hybrids to replicate.

Lindsey Graham on Joe Biden in 2015 // Huffpost

In 2020 he’s been singing a different tune about the “figurehead of the most radical movement ever in American history,” whatever that means. Graham appears to be indifferent about his hypocrisy. The swamp creature who once said Donald Trump “would make a terrible commander-in-chief,” is now commonly cited as Trump’s closed ally in the Senate. The reality show President even once called Senator Graham “one of the dumbest human beings,” a critique that Graham has apparently since adopted as his personal motto.

”I want you to use my words against me” Lindsey said in 2015, referring to his objection of an election year SCOTUS confirmation. His words are categorically meaningless, though, because just this past week the Senator from South Carolina was leading the SCOTUS confirmation hearings for ultra-conservative judge Amy Coney Barrett. Is 2020 an election year? I can’t remember.

Lindsey begging for money // Washington Post

As a result of being fully transparent about his gold medal mental gymnastics performance, Lindsey is being out-raised and beaten in the polls by Democratic challenger Jaime Harrison. Watching Graham beg for money, we can all agree, has been a small glimmer of sunshine in an otherwise dark world.

Perhaps this wont be the first time Lindsey has been spanked, but it may be the first time it happens in public. Make sure you’re registered to spank and vote the hypocrites out of office on November 3rd.

Which type of corporeal undead is Mitch McConnell?

A strange looking Moscow Mitch has been seen this past week with some type of rotting decomposition occurring in his hands, lips and face. I haven’t heard back from any of the scientists I reached out to for comment, but I think it’s safe to assume his body tissue is in late stage rigor mortis and an undead demon is now in control of his corpse.

Stefani Reynolds // Getty Images

This particular walking dead body obviously poses some health and safety issues for it’s former occupant’s colleagues, as well as our country as a whole – primarily because we are not quite sure the intentions of this individual demon.

First, we have to assume that the creature is evil because it was present at conformation hearings for Amy Coney Barrett. A benevolent undead, one could assume, would surely try to stay out of the public eye. Second, Mitch’s corpse has been spotted moving around in the daytime, suggesting it’s not a vampire or any other type of undead that typically avoids sunlight. It’s also been noted that undead Mitch is not quick-witted or charming in any sense, which rules out any creature sent directly from hell or Lord Satan.

Yuri Gripas // AP

Corpse McConnell certainly isn’t a draugr, since it doesn’t seem to posses a sword or even physical strength. It’s lack of supernatural abilities rules out a whole swath of other possibilities for the deteriorating cadaver, like being a lich or a wight.

The only creature Moscow-Cemetery Mitch currently checks almost all the boxes for is a ghoul. By definition, a ghoul is an evil, greedy, and gluttonous sentient corpse that feasts primarily on human flesh. While I have been unable to verify the cannibalistic nature of this newly reanimated Senator from Kentucky, I can assure you that even a vegetarian Ghoul McConnell is not a good look for our government.

Remove the Ghouls from government on November 3rd by voting the undead from their seats.