Which type of corporeal undead is Mitch McConnell?

A strange looking Moscow Mitch has been seen this past week with some type of rotting decomposition occurring in his hands, lips and face. I haven’t heard back from any of the scientists I reached out to for comment, but I think it’s safe to assume his body tissue is in late stage rigor mortis and an undead demon is now in control of his corpse.

Stefani Reynolds // Getty Images

This particular walking dead body obviously poses some health and safety issues for it’s former occupant’s colleagues, as well as our country as a whole – primarily because we are not quite sure the intentions of this individual demon.

First, we have to assume that the creature is evil because it was present at conformation hearings for Amy Coney Barrett. A benevolent undead, one could assume, would surely try to stay out of the public eye. Second, Mitch’s corpse has been spotted moving around in the daytime, suggesting it’s not a vampire or any other type of undead that typically avoids sunlight. It’s also been noted that undead Mitch is not quick-witted or charming in any sense, which rules out any creature sent directly from hell or Lord Satan.

Yuri Gripas // AP

Corpse McConnell certainly isn’t a draugr, since it doesn’t seem to posses a sword or even physical strength. It’s lack of supernatural abilities rules out a whole swath of other possibilities for the deteriorating cadaver, like being a lich or a wight.

The only creature Moscow-Cemetery Mitch currently checks almost all the boxes for is a ghoul. By definition, a ghoul is an evil, greedy, and gluttonous sentient corpse that feasts primarily on human flesh. While I have been unable to verify the cannibalistic nature of this newly reanimated Senator from Kentucky, I can assure you that even a vegetarian Ghoul McConnell is not a good look for our government.

Remove the Ghouls from government on November 3rd by voting the undead from their seats.

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